Saturday, 12 December 2015
A New Phase of Relationships // Part 2
The first half of these stories was quite chill really. A big deal, but over now, and OK, and not a huge amount to learn. This second half is different. Way different.
I guess I just start at the start, aye? Well, a bunch of us ex-grade 12s and our leaders went away for a few days. There were several guys going. I didn't 'like' any of them, but one I had gotten to know better recently, and had certainly started to admire a lot more. Well, over the course of the few days, I spent a lot of time with this guy - not particularly intentionally, but it happened. And... something awful happened.
I knew in my mind and heart that I didn't like this guy, that I definitely wouldn't date him at least for a few years, that he had many flaws. But there was a deep, more subconscious, almost 'lower level instinct' that was driving my behaviour. It took over, though I didn't fully realise it, and certainly didn't want it. Basically I ended up flirting with him the entire time. On the last night my leader asked if I thought he liked me... and that dragged everything into the light.
I realised I had been flirting, though not entirely deliberately, and even though a lot of things I'd done I would have done for and with any guy. And more than that... I realised that now he did like me. And that horrified me. I'd just been through this! How could another guy like me?! What if he asked me out? What do I do now?
More than that, I felt, and still feel, very guilty. I had pretty much just played with this guy's heart. I'd sent totally the wrong messages, and so when I realised I had to backtrack, cut back, tone down, be a bit colder, etc, which means now I've given him mixed signals. This guy is a precious child of God, and not only that, but probably one of His more fragile ones. He's been through a lot, and I'd promised to help him, and now I've gone and tampered with his heart. How could I?! I know it's not totally my fault - he probably did take some of my normal very-friendly-ness as flirting, etc. But honestly, when I face the facts, I am definitely majorly to blame. Which is awful. And I am more sorry than words can say.
So I wasn't quite sure what to do. Things weren't awkward, and I'd been working hard to send the right messages. But I wasn't sure whether to let things lie and cool down and hope we got through this well, or whether I needed to rip up those foundations, confess and explain to him and ask his forgiveness, and then start again.
After praying and talking to Mum and Dad, I decided to talk to him. I spent the morning sick with nerves while planning what to say.
How'd it go? I might save that for part 3. :)